He sat alone in the darkness. He lay in his den, trying to think of a single reason to ever get up off his lounge again. He drew a blank.
Xander briefly entertained the idea of going to the Bronze. He knew he was desperate to even think of tagging along on Buffy�s date with Angel, and the risk of meeting Willow with Oz finally put a stop to that notion.
Willow and Oz. How he hated those names side by side. Willow and Xander always sounded just that much nicer. And what was Oz�s name anyway? Osborne? Worse, Oswald? Oswald the werewolf guitarist. Xander told himself to stop. To stop being jealous of Oz. But it hurt to think of him losing Willow to Oz.
And why did she choose Oz? Cordelia had left Xander, not giving him a second chance. Oz took Willow back, and she came readily. Was she lost to him before?
< Need to get out of this depression. > He tried to pull himself up. < Hmm. Food. The Prozac of Xander Harris. > Xander struggled to get off the lounge and tripped on something in the darkness. He rolled onto the floor on top of a mass of junk and clothes. Xander stumbled in the darkness. Instead of switching on the lights, he decided to turn on the TV for illumination instead. Clicking the remote, the TV sprang to life.
The glowing false warmth of the screen brought light upon a packet of abandoned twinkies. Xander retrieved the bag and savagely tore the packing open to reveal a cake to forget his troubles. He crammed it into his mouth, not bothering to try any refined Xander patent.
Flicking through the channels absently, he saw a familiar image. It was the beginning of a movie he hadn�t watched for years. It was The Muppet Movie, a personal favourite from his childhood. Xander had it on tape and he and Willow spent many afternoons lying on their stomaches and laughing while they watched it over and over again. He would often do his rendition of the songs as they played and Willow would laugh and join in for the choruses. Kermit was the only frog she wasn�t afraid of.
�He�s so fuzzy! He�s not slimy, like real frogs.� Willow gleefully exclaimed when Xander tried to scare her. When her eighth birthday arrived, he got her a plush toy of Kermit the Frog. She was delighted.
And now Xander sat back on the lounge, looking at the flickering screen as familiar images rolled across. Feeling an overwhelming sense of nostalgia, he grabbed the phone and dialled the number he knew by heart. Listening to it ring, he was about to put it back down when someone picked up.
�Hello?� The lovely feminine voice asked shyly.
�Wills, its me. Guess what�s on TV right now?� He rushed before he lost his nerve. Xander knew he shouldn�t be doing this.
�Xander, I don�t know. Is there something else you wanted?� She asked, trying to distance herself from him.
�C�mon, it�s the Muppet Movie! Remember Kermit? Come over and we�ll watch it.� He knew he was on thin ice. She had told him about the no touching rule, and an evening over at Xander�s house would not look good for Willow in Oz�s good books.
�I-I can�t. Oz is going to pick me up soon. We�re going out.� The words stung Xander and he gripped the telephone in his hand.
�Oz again? Can�t you spend time- can�t you be with your best friend sometimes?� He tried to hide his disappointment. �Come over and watch it, like old times.�
�Xander, I�m sorry...� Willow apologised. �But I have to make this work with Oz. I can�t- goodbye.� She prepared to hang up.
�I miss you, Will,� Xander barely whispered. Then he heard the dial tone.
He replaced the phone in it�s holder and turned back to watching the movie. Xander felt terribly empty. But when he saw Kermit playing the ukulele and singing, he couldn�t help but smile.
Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what�s on the other side?
Rainbows are visions,
But only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told
And some choose to believe it,
I know they�re wrong, wait and see.
Someday we�ll find it,
The Rainbow Connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Xander almost laughed as he watched the loveable green frog sing about rainbows. An innocent childhood, lost in he paths of time and change and demons. He could indulge himself in a nostalgic moment.
Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Someone thought of it
And someone believed it;
Look what it�s done so far.
What�s so amazing
That keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we�ll find it,
The Rainbow Connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
He started to laugh. Xander remembered Willow hugging the Kermit as he tried to swing her around in his garden. He remembered her singing this song to him when he was sad, and telling him to wish on the star when he came running from his parents. And as children, they lay on the grass, getting they clothes wet in sudden sun showers when they would taste the rain and find the rainbows where the sunlight met the rain. Xander laughed as remembered all the childish memories.
Then his laughter turned into tears as he fell forward. Xander�s body shook violently with sobbing as he fully realised how much he had lost. He had lost his childhood friend, fellow dreamer, confidante, and best friend.
All of us under it�s spell
We know that it�s probably magic.
Have you been half a sleep
And have you heard voices?
I�ve heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound
That calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same.
I�ve heard it too many
Times to ignore it
It�s something that I�m s�posed to be
Someday we�ll find it,
The Rainbow Connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
< I�ll never find it > He muffled his sorrows into his hands. Xander squeezed his eyes tightly shut.
< No, I *have* found it. My happiness was Willow, and now I�ve lost her. I heard her love, and I ignored it. What a fool I am, how could I lose something so precious... >
And he sat by himself in the flickering light, curled up in a ball of loneliness and regret.