Losing You


I was surrounded by darkness, and I was floating in this strange world. It was cold and lonely. I shivered as I drifted in this strange void. A sort of limbo or purgatory. I feel a strange warm tingle and heard the soft words of a kind voice.

�I love you.�

�Oz... Oz?�

The darkness bleeds away slowly, and I see Oz, my loving boyfriend above me. He leans down to kiss me and I smile. Then I wake up.

For three nights ever since I actually lay on that hospital bed, I have dreamt that same dream. I think its some sort of reminder, something to remind me how lucky I am to be alive. How lucky I am to have Oz as my boyfriend. Everyday I can go to school and be with my friends. Except for Buffy, who has disappeared, but I know she�ll be back any day now. It�s hard being at school, and I�ve just gotten out of my wheelchair. With Buffy missing, it�s really hard to go on. But we try. Giles is more...serious now. Well, he�s always been serious, but whenever we go to talk to him in the library, he�s more withdrawn. It�s going to take time. Buffy will be back soon.

The next night, after my daily phone call to Oz, I lay down to sleep. I was sure that I�d have that dream. I didn�t know when it�d stop, but it was always a pleasant memory.

I was once again in that blackness. Drifting through the cloudiness, feeling like I was blind in the dark. I felt the warmth again, but this time I heard more.

�Come on Will...you gotta wake up.�

�I love you.�

�Oz... Oz?� I murmured again.

The darkness broke again and I saw the sweet face of Oz as he leaned down and kissed me. I opened my eyes and found myself in the brightness of my bedroom. I got up out of bed and smiled.

Oz picked me up from my house in his zebra van. I already had a smile on my face as I clambered in.

�What�s the smiling for?�

�Just some nice dreams give me a happy.� I replied, grinning. I snuggled against him as he drove to school. When we get there, I go through the motions of school. Its hard, living in the aftermath. I keep thinking that Buffy will be sitting right behind me during English and French, and I often turn around to smile or make a joke. But all I see is her empty table.

Another difference is Xander. I don�t know what happened, but every time I try to talk to him, he�s so distant. He does attempt to make jokes when he�s with Giles but he doesn�t talk to me or Oz much at all. And Cordelia, well, they broke up. They�re still friends, but Cordy isn�t as close ever since Buffy left. It�s strange, how she was like a glue.

Sometimes, when he doesn�t think I�m looking, Xander will stare at me during classes. And he always avoids me when I�m with Oz. I hardly see him anymore. I miss my best friend, all the times we�d chat about silly things. I miss Buffy, talking over the phone about things I could only say to another girl. I miss Giles, his awkward affection for his slayerettes. Hell, I even miss Cordelia�s snide comments that were more teasing than mean. But I still have Oz, ever faithful Oz. He seems to be the only friendly face at school nowadays.

The next night, as I lay on my bed, I felt so lonely. Sure, I had Oz. But I needed my other friends. I felt the emotional exhaustion drag me under the spell of sleep again. I quickly fell into the murkiness of the void. As I floated once again through my subconsciousness, something felt more clear and less fuzzy. I could feel a warm enveloping me and I could hear the words sharper this time.

�You gotta wake up. I need you...�

�You�re my best friend, you�ve always...�

�I love you.�

�Oz..Oz?�

< Wait a second... best friend? >

My eyelids fluttered open.

I saw Xander above me clutching my hand. His face fell when I whispered those words. I saw his eyes, I saw the tears and the heartbreak. He let go and quickly left my side, just as Oz came and smiled at me. He leaned down to kiss me.

It was Xander. He was the one who said he loved me while I lay comatose, not Oz. And the pained look on his face, the look that only lingered in the back crevices of my subconscious, now broke my heart. I lay on my bed while I cried.

I didn�t know what to do. This was why Xander was �ignoring� me. I needed to talk to him. Soon, before we drifted any further apart. I didn�t want to lose him.
Picking up the phone, I dialled his number from memory. It rang four times before someone picked up.

�Hello?�

�Xander, how are you?� I didn�t know what to say.

�Willow? Why are you calling me?� I choked. I couldn�t help it. Couldn�t I just call to say hi to my best friend? I guess I couldn�t. I had accidentally hurt him and we weren�t going to be just fine. Things had changed. When? How?

�Uh, I wanted you to meet me. To talk. At the ice cream place. Right now.� My thoughts jumbled and I blurted anything out.

�Now? It�s really not a good-� Xander tried to excuse himself. What happened to us? What happened to the inseparable best friends who spent every minute together, laughing, joking, sharing. < Don�t shut me out... >

�No, Xander. We have to talk. It has to be now.� I said sternly, keeping my tears hidden in my voice. There was a long silence. Then he spoke.

�All right, I know better than to challenge your resolve voice,� he lamely joked. He hung up and I listened at the dial tone, willing myself not to cry. Then I put down the phone and headed off to sort things out.

When I got to the ice cream place, my insides where fluttery and my palms were sweaty. I saw Xander sitting at a table for two, his hands lightly tugging at his shirt. He caught my eye and I quickly sat down at his table. He managed a small smile.

�So, what�s with the rush?� He seemed a little reluctant to be here. He avoided my eyes. It hurt, it really did.

�I have something to tell you. It�s...pretty important.� I struggled with my words. What was I supposed to say? I felt jittery, but I had to tell him before I lost my best friend.

�What? You and Oz are engaged?� He joked in an offhanded manner. If I didn�t know his secret, I might have passed it off as a typical Xander joke. But I knew, and I could actually sense the edge in his voice. I drew in a sharp breath. It surprised me how one little thing could change the whole tone of a comment.

�Xander...I know.�

He looked at me quizzically. �You know what?� At least we had eye contact.

�I know... that you said you loved me in the hospital.� I barely whispered those words, in fear that I was wrong. Staring into those chocolate brown eyes, I saw them widen and something flashed in them.

�What? I...said I loved you?� He shook his head. �I didn�t say that.� As he said that, I burned with a blush from my face to my ankles. God, I had just embarrassed myself beyond anything before! I opened my mouth to apologise.

�I didn�t say that.� Xander repeated. �I said, I *love* you.�

My world disappeared and all I could see was the pain in his eyes, identical to the ones in my dreams. He stood up, and ran out of the ice cream parlour. It took me a few seconds to snap out of it and I ran after him.

I saw Xander sitting on the side of the street, staring up at the sky. Not knowing exactly what to do, I silently walked towards him and sat down next to my best friend. I looked at him tentatively. Xander continued to stare at the blueness above us, and I heard him sigh.

�What *happened* to us, Will? What happened to the days where the biggest problems were getting back at Cordelia�s gang and how to sneak the oreos pass your mom?�

I looked at him silently. The days before Buffy, before significant other, when the three musketeers were just Xander, Jesse and herself. Simple, fun, innocent years.

�Why is it that suddenly everyday is a gamble, never knowing if you�ll come out of a fight alive. Hoping that none of us will get kicked out of school. God Will, when you lay on that bed in that coma, I felt you slipping away from me. You couldn�t leave me all by myself.� Xander�s words were raw and torn.

�You�re my best friend. And I do...love you. Now and forever.�

His voice broke. I grabbed his hand and I squeezed it as tight as I could. I felt the tears trickling down my face. He squeezed my hand back.

�We�re growing up. Everyday, I�m afraid too.� My voice was thick with tears. �Afraid of the life that I�ve chosen. But that�s the thing, Xander. *I* chose it. We�ve chosen it. We�re saving the world. And I�ve gotta stick to my decision because its the only way I can live with myself.�

I stopped to look into his eyes, searching for that understanding of our own truths.

�I can�t go back and I don�t want to. But what I risk is worth it.� I bit down on my lip, overcome. �And don�t you think for a second that I would *ever* leave you, Xander Harris. You�re my best friend too.� I turned and he pulled me into a hug.

And we sat on the sidewalk, two best friends hugging and crying silently. Crying for what we�ve lost, but also for what we still had. When I couldn�t cry anymore, I broke the hug and locked eyes with Xander again.

�You�ll never lose me, Xander. I�ll never let go.�



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